1. Picking the restaurant is a fool’s errand, but you know what they say about people in love… You opt for:
a) Redemption Bar. Brown rice and activated nuts scream sexy.
b) Fretting over The Good Food Guide, then re-booking Locanda Locatelli.
c) Your local gastropub, which is doing an ‘ironic’ anti-Valentine’s menu.
d) Domino’s, in front of the telly.
2. ‘No present, honestly, it’s fine’ dictates that you must buy a present (or face unimaginable wrath). You:
a) Pre-ordered something bespoke before Christmas.
b) Agonise for hours in Selfridges, leaving with anonymously safe chocolates.
c) Grab a card from Scribbler with a joke about balls and chains. Ha ha!
d) Don’t buy anything. What?
3. Flowers never say more about you than on the 14th. Your beloved receives:
a) Hand-made paper lilies, fashioned from your love letters.
b) A Flowerbx bunch, delivered to their desk for extra brownie points.
c) Past-their-best tulips from the petrol station, presented with a sausage roll.
d) Daffodils nicked from next door’s garden.
4. Foolishly, you book something ‘fun’. The evening entails:
a) A boat ride down the Thames, swiftly aborted as it ruins your hair.
b) The new play at the Donmar, which turns out to be about murderous adultery.
c) Paintballing, along with the lads.
d) Hastily arranged gin-tasting at a cut-price bar.
5. You leave your phone out, and a text pops up from your ex. The recriminations are:
a) Non-existent. You’re friends with your exes — except one, but the court order means they can’t text you anyway.
b) Minimal; you (nervously) laugh it off. The silence in the Uber home speaks volumes.
c) Nuclear — you make a ‘hilarious’ joke about threesomes.
d) Unnoticed. Surely ordering pudding is more important?
6. Single? Don’t think you can bypass today. You:
a) Organise cocktails with the girls near work. Susan doesn’t work in the City, but you don’t care about Susan.
b) Try to make plans, but stall over witty ideas to the point where it’s no longer worth it.
c) Arrive at your just-divorced mate’s house with balloons and L-plates. Banter!
d) Head to the local and chat up whoever’s there.
You are a banker living in a Notting Hill flat (no mortgage), which matches your expensive-looking but relatively bland partner. Your secretary spits in your coffee.
In a new relationship, you are panicking and throwing money at the situation; so far, your lover is costing more than your rent. You are exhausted and secretly longing for the sweet release of a break-up.
Everything you do is ‘literally classic’: you’re the funny one of the group, a proper joker. Thank goodness your other half gets it — you could never go out with someone who didn’t have a sense of humour.
It’s not that you don’t want to make an effort, it’s just that it’s so much… well, effort. The last time you planned something in advance it was your gap year, and even that was mostly spent on the sofa.